Monday, March 1, 2010

Deal Breaker...

The search is on for a new Gator abode.

Although living in 650 square feet for the last two years has been nice and cozy… I believe it’s safer for all parties involved if we get the F bomb out of here before there are any fatalities.  Why tempt fate?

This search has led me to a list of “Deal Breakers.”  Feel free to add your own.

Any place that has more dead roaches than windows.  Dead bugs painted into the corners are also a really bad sign…  I think it goes without saying any place with live roaches is OUT.

Upstairs neighbors.  Thanks to the Tiny Guy above with the super strange schedule, this is another deal breaker.  The million dollar question;  WTF does he do up there!?  Our current theory:  His day begins with a catapult (KABOOM! at 6:15 am sharp) from bed, followed by a gallop to the bathroom….  Early evening involves salsa dancing and the party really starts hopping after 10 pm with a free weight dropping fiesta.

The smell of kitta piss.  “It will steam out of the carpet,” in an unacceptable answer.  Mmmm!  Mmmm!  No.

Scary dogs…  Sharing a fence with hungry looking, loudly barking Pitbulls, is a deal breaker.  Especially if those same dogs enjoy sitting on top of an AC unit and glaring over the fence.  Yikes!

Any place that requires 15 hours of repainting and/or is a hopeful candidate for bulldozing…  No matter if I could walk home from my office and my most favorite German Draught House…  (JS’ standards are higher than mine)  The back door that would allow the passage of a small bear while closed, I think, was the real deal breaker for him…  It didn’t help that when JS polled the accompanying children, 2 out of 2 kiddos said they would not want to live in my ghetto-fab duplex, and dashed to the front door to escape the scary interior.  Sad, sad day.

Still up for debate…  The one bathroom abode.  At 6 am when your sweet cheeks is holding court on the only throne, and your pee situation becomes so emergent that the kitchen sink starts to look like the only viable option to your hysterical mind…  The importance of a two hole-er is crystal clear.  I have noticed that the clarity regarding the need for two bathrooms begins to fade in proximity to my office or said Draught House…

And now the countdown is on…  Only four short weeks before we embrace homelessness, lower our housing standards, or (please Sweet Baby Jesus) find the perfect place.  Wish us luck!

1 comment:

  1. omg so funny! Yes I am wishing you lots of LUCK!! Its just funny why you want two bathrooms..I settled with TWO SINKS AND TWO MIRRORS bc the toothpaste on the mirror put me over the edge;) Priorities!
    oh and I keep forgetting to tell ya thanks again for my super funny books- im almost done with the 2nd spellmans and I think a 3rd might exist;)xoxo