Monday, April 26, 2010

Shit In The Hood

And Other Pooch Presents

Our new place comes with a nifty neighborhood and tons of exercise enthusiasts.  Hikers, bikers and joggers abound.  I have been trying to learn the neighborhood by taking the pups out for walks, which has led to the start of an awesome new routine…  As I lace up my jogging shoes true puppy pandemonium breaks loose.  Bella starts squealing and Prada starts heavy panting and bouncing (think 96 pounds of toe crushing).  As I move closer to their leashes their hysteria increases.  Bella alternates between circle spinning and 2 legged vertical leaps, while Prada prefers facial steaming and strong nose poking for any dawdling.

 Because we have never attempted any dog training (unless yelling and arm waving count as training) when I open the front door the girls hit the end of their leashes at 90 mph, dragging me backwards as I attempt to lock up behind us.  I repress the urge to yell any obscenities as my arm is dislocated from my shoulder because I think my neighbors might be watching.  And we’re still trying to maintain a respectable appearance.  (Ha!)

Bella spends each trip racing ahead, gaining precious seconds that allow her to squat and mark every blade of grass possible.  How a 6 pound pooch can have three liters of fluid on board is beyond me…  It’s insane, our atleast the 8th Wonder of the World.  Little Bella has mastered fast forward, pause, fast forward, pause but occasionally her pause runs to long and she gets an unexpected rewind sequence as I accidentally jerk her off the ground.  Poor little Poochita.  Note to self:  Shop a padded harness for Skittle brain.

Prada’s leash issues include her inability to walk a straight path and a strong tendency to veer into oncoming traffic.  Obviously it’s time to see the Puppy Chiropractor.  Prada seems to think playing chicken with fast moving vehicles makes the trip more entertaining.

Just as we are out of sight of the house it’s poop time.  Bella makes tootsie rolls and a few minutes later Prada, after finding the only yard where the neighbors are sitting outside, deposits something more closely resembling a dinosaur dump.  I try to pretend all is kosher as I retrieve her 8 pounds of poop with a grocery sack, aka poo receptacle, and keep trucking.  (Each time I have to decide if it’s better to leave a few smudges behind or just yank out all the grass…  Then, should I alternate holding the shit sack in both hands, thus allowing both arms a workout, or simply not risk the contamination? )

The last quarter mile of our trip is my most favorite because it’s great fun carrying that steaming, glorious 8 pound sack of poop.  I try to turn up my head phones but, as you can imagine, that doesn’t really help the smell…  The temptation to race up someone's drive and toss our little present in their trash can is super intense however, we are abstaining for now until I can teach one of the dogs to do it while I pretend to look busy tying my shoe ;)

On our most recent trip I met our neighbor down the way, her name is Pansy.  She’s approximately 105 years old and still driving.  When she asked me for my name she exclaimed, “Oh! What a cute name!”  Bella and I giggled at the irony of that for a few seconds and then peed in her yard.  (Bella, not me.)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Home Sweet Home!

Well! It's official. JS, Prada-Dog, Bella-Pooch and I are the proud leasers of a new abode. (New to us anyway. Not actually new in the recently built fashion.) It's a 1984 duplex, 2 bed, 1 (tiny) bath, and it has an EXCELLENT yard for the bad dogs! The best part is we share ZERO WALLS with our neighbor! We have new carpet and LOTS of space. WOO HOO!

I know you might be a little disappointed about the one bath, but don't be! It's really okay. It's become a bit of a joke here... JS will growl at me if I disturb his steamy sanctuary and I will tell him, "Move aside mister. Prada is using the other bathroom." Or "You have 5 seconds to evacuate or I'm taking an emergency piss in your boot." But mostly our lives are free from any bathroom wars because I have a nice little "dressing table" to do my hair and face paint in the guest room. Now who's coming to visit!?

The day we received the keys found me a wee bit disenchanted. The yard needed immediate mowing, the bathroom lighting was sadly dimmer than I remembered, and it appears a previous tenant had an issue with the walls that made patching a full time hobby... The backyard was COVERED in 20 years worth of oak leaves, piles and piles of them. (I have already spent one entire morning last week raking, think intense cardio, and yielded 23 bags of leaves! The best part? By my current calculations I have at least 10 more bags to go.) The screen door has a serious gangster lean, the washer looks to be leaking into the garage wall, but otherwise, the new place is fit as a fiddle!

Further good news revealed our duplex neighbor has a band! Thanks again to the Sweet Baby Jesus we have already survived two "Band Nights" with no lasting wounds. The drums are faintly audible but not loud enough to be a disturbance.

On a more positive note, I look like an effing Super Model in our pleasantly dim bathroom, yard work burns LOTS of calories, the patched holes in the walls are not very noticeable if you don't look directly at the walls or you like to drink wine, and our neighbor kind of rocks! Not bad at all, if I do say so myself. The best part is we are within walking distance to a BEER CAFE! Seriously. It's almost too good to be true. Bella and I lunched there last week on the dog friendly patio and JS and I had a date night playing pool. (I'm way better than I remembered. Apparently half my college tuition spent at the Chicken wasn't a complete waste!)

Mom, G, JS and a pair of movers made the transition a breeze. Everything was relatively unpacked and organized in less than 10 short days. (Perhaps with the exception of JS' room/ the guest room. We may be on to our next place before the Raticus Packus gets his gear stashed away ;) Multiple boxes piled around are a nice theme, right?) The first barbeque here was a great success. Band guy brought his guitar, the neighbors across the street brought sausage for the grille and we hosted 12 guests quite comfortably!

We love the new digs and the new neighborhood. I can't wait to host guests now that we have more than 600 square feet and some fine guest room accommodations! I will even promise NOT to burst in while you’re resting comfortably to blow dry my hair if anyone wants to come stay :)  Consider yourself officially invited!