Thursday, October 28, 2010

Gator at the Wheel

image is from

This morning, feeling awfully proud of myself because I managed to drag my moderately lazy carcass out of bed at 5:20 am on my day out of the office...  Found me halfway coffinated (it's a word, trust me) and behind the wheel headed to hot hotter than hell yoga. 


I had this moment.  Or twelve.  When I was thinking to myself, BEHIND THE WHEEL of my large object of mass destruction:  "Wow.  We're moving kind of fast."

It gets a little scarier... And then, almost simultaneously, "Who's driving?  Where am I?" 

Now, I'm starting to feel some of your judgey-ness, and I'm not liking it one bit.  We've all experienced that drive to the office/home/bar, when at some point you come to this sudden realization you have NO IDEA and ZERO recollection of how that entire event even transpired. 

What?  That's just me?  All right, that's it.  I've seriously got to put the kibosh on that tequila shot with my protein shake I drink every morning.  BUT IT'S PALEO!  Nope, it's off the menu.

ANY WHO, lucky for the strange fellow I saw killing the 3 pound arm weights and shaking his tail feathers in his smart blue spandex right smack down the shoulder of the road, Sweet Baby Jesus must have intervened and "taken the wheel" so to speak.  (Quit singing.  Pay attention.  I'm trying to wrap it up here.) 

Have no fear.  No squirrels, rabbits, dogs, deer, wildlife of any kind, or small blue men were harmed today.  (At least by me.)  Those troubling thoughts startled me into squinty eyed alertness and white knuckle suspicion.  I had to keep my peepers peeled for all those other crazy drivers. 

And now I leave you all with this message:

Namaste my friends, and keep it between the white lines.

Monday, October 4, 2010

You Can't Touch This!

Turn your volume WAY up so you can catch the music.  And the heavy panting.  These kids ROCK.  Notice that Baby Girl has already mastered  'drop it like it's hot'  AND  the  'pelvic gyration'  at 18 months of age.  You should be very jealous.  I know I am.  I can't WAIT to teach them 'The Gator,' which was lovingly created in Mexico after drinking just a smidgen of tequila.    

You go BABY GIRL!  With moves like that Baby K is going to make one heck of a cheerleader...  Or an excellent exotic dancer...  Just teasing.  Thanks be to the Sweet Baby Jesus that she has more rhythm than me and her Mama put together.  Amen.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The Thirty Best Things (Continued)

If you're wondering why I 'm starting my list at number 20...  It's because I'm an Aggie and obviously number 1 and number 20 are synonymous.  Just joshing. 

If you're a little confused as to why I'm starting at 20, I will assume that you live in a cave underground without internet access, or pretend your life doesn't revolve around reading my super stellar posts, and thus you've somehow managed to miss the first 19 on my list.  For those of you 2 percenters, you can catch up here:

Back to business. 

The (other) 11 Best Things:

20.  Pizza.  I like my pizza like I like my men.  HOT and covered in extra cheese please.  EW.  Now you can spend the rest of your day trying to erase that lovely image of JS from your mind.  You're welcome.  I also like my pizza (back to the pizza, people get your minds out of the gutter) covered in veggies, pepperoncini peppers, jalapenos, pepperoni, and marinara.  With a side of homemade ranch dressing and a Root Beer.  Thanks.

21.  Self-awareness.  I'm a toddler in this respect, so please beware your toes, shins and your feelings as I crash closer to something that resembles coordination. 

22.  Making the decision to be happy everyday.  Thirty is my MOST favorite age so far.  It seems ridiculous that it took me this long to realize I can DECIDE to be happy EVERY day.  I wake up in the mornings (except those for which I am hungover or constipated) and scroll through all the fun things that await me.  Coffee on the front porch with Bella.  A good JS kiss-growl to start my day.  A beautiful city to call home.  Avoiding any tiny tootsie roll land mines Bella may have deposited near my bedside.  A roof over my head and a toilet that flushes.  Hey, it's the little things folks.  Trust me when I say it's very hard to be in a good mood when you've got a GD tootsie roll squished between your toes.  OR you've come home from a long day at work and there's a dirty 'little' surprise waiting for you in the toilet because your fiance is still pretending she can't use a plunger.  I am SUCH a catch.  I'm also very thoughtful and have started leaving cautionary texts or notes like these:  "Sorry.  Toilet incident." or "I SWEAR I used the multiple flush method but it was to no avail."  My personal fave, "I'm sorry to say, it' a plunger day." 

23.  Water features.  This includes River Festivus 0'10 and all future festivi.  Swimming pools, slip-n-slides, rivers, lakes, sunshine, tropical and local getaways.  Note:  Kiddie pools are NOT on this list.  If an industrious Aggie wanted to rig a slip-n-slide INTO a kiddie pool (although this does NOT sound chiropractic approved, it certainly sounds awesome) we may have a deal.   

24.  Reconnecting with old friends.  The Tinsley 'Clam', Graddy 'n' Dubya, G, D (or Tiff), H 'n'  Nate, and B-ran 'n' Ant Dawg, just to name a few.  It's phenomenal fun seeing first hand our growth, 'maturity', and most importantly the silliness and laughter that we're able to share together.  Reminiscing and making hysterical memories with friends, new and old, ROCKS.  (Unfortunately some of the juicy bits can't be shared on a public forum that my family, Bro 5-0 and/or the CIA can read.  Just teasing.  I promise there's nothing fishy or illegal or remotely pornographic going on here.  I'm saving all the porn for the Mexico post.  Stay tuned.  As you were please.  MOVING ON.)

25.   Storytelling.  Oh how I LOVE to tell tall tales.  Blogging has been a supercalafragalistic way for me to channel my inner silliness and to record some frickin fantastic adventures.  

26.  Ketchup.  It makes good food great and bad food better.  'Nuff said.  I should sell that little marketing campaign to Heinz.  

27.  Good books and great blogs.  


Chelsea Handler's 'Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang, Bang' and 'Are You There Vodka.'  Don't waste your money on her 'Horizontal Life.' 

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's 'Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay.' 

Brian Weiss M.D. 'Many Lives, Many Masters.' 

Lisa Lutz 'The Spellman Files' and all the sequels. 

Miriam Toews' 'The Flying Troutmans.' 

(Sadly) I really like the LAST book in Stephanie Meyer's 'Twilight' series.  I don't know it's title because it doesn't matter.  They all roll into one shameful blur.  I think I liked it the best because the first three sucked and yet I still couldn't put them down, (cue the spoiler and avert your eyes) but mostly because that damn Bella quits whining about wanting to become a vampire.  AND I'm team Jacob.  I like my boys beefy. 

If you can make it through the first several sloooowwwww chapters of Steig Larson's 'Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' and the gruesome bits, it was super entertaining.  If you like reading only during the full light of day, at the same time as trying to cover your eyes, (because that's some super scary shizzle) with all of your doors and windows locked and your attack chihuahua on post, you'll really like this book.  I'll update you as I read the rest.   

Silliness I enjoy reading online.  Disclaimer:  They're funny as F bomb so don't drink anything or have a full bladder while reading as spontaneous spitting and/or bladder leaking may occur. 

Palmation Nation       


28.  Camping!  In JS's RV camper.  If you're looking for a tent camper I'm not you're girl.  I need a real bed and a shower.  Actually, the shower is negotiable because I'm sorta lazy.  So far, thanks be to the Sweet Baby Jesus, our camping has always included electricity, internet access and running water.  'Camping.'  That's how we roll.    

29.  Silliness.  I think I worked the first 28 years of my life on being far too serious.  And I say Boo to that!  As Leigh Standley of says, "There is a direct correlation between the level of happiness in one's life and the amount of silliness they allow into it, " SHE SAID.  "I know..  I've done studies."  INDEED.  I will continue to do studies and I shall post my results as they become available.

30.  Attention.  Good, positive, loving attention.  (Ahem... Blog comments and such ;)