Holiday Cheer

Shopping Horrors and Genius Design

My most favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.  No gifts.  No pressure.  It’s just a good old-fashioned food holiday.  Amen.
Christmas is another story entirely.  It blows.  Or at least shopping for Christmas does.  Obviously celebrating the birth of our Sweet Baby Jesus does not blow.  Having to spend your life savings to make sure everybody gets a present, totally does. 

I would also like to point out that these two holidays fall MUCH to close together.  If they were just a few months apart I might actually enjoy seeing my family again.  I’m usually so GD cranky from all the “fun” I’ve had at Thanksgiving I’m not quite ready for Round Two and all the expense it entails.

Even if the gifts were free the shopping has become so painful for me, I’m thinking of taking up a non-Christmas celebrating religion.  Like Jehovah’s Witness or something.

Perhaps if you have never worked retail you can’t imagine how bad the public sucks and their infinite capacity for STUPID.  I have.  That means I am very nice to people that work retail, and that also means I get super pissed when the retail associate is rude.  Like, “Uh, uh, girl.  I know you just didn’t take that tone with me!” kind of pissed, with a few snaps and some head weaving.

Ugh!  So this year I managed to do all my Christmas shopping in four hours, in one painful afternoon.  I took the ‘rip the band-aid off fast’ approach.  Which makes me feel like I might have missed a few people…  But I then found myself distracted and shopping for a little something for me, in Macy’s.  (I had a gift card.)

So I have a new shopping experience that is so horrible it almost rivals Christmas shopping on a weekday with 8 million other people that should be at work.  (I mean SERIOUSLY!  Does no one in Austin work during the week?)  Unless you’re shopping for shoes or make-up, you should seriously avoid Macy’s this season.

I entered Macy’s and found myself dazed from the stink of perfume, moving like a ping-pong ball between the ‘Tiny Hiney’ and ‘I’m a Racey Slut’ section before mistakenly wandering past the crazy sweater sets that scream ‘I’m a Cat Lady.’  I had a very scary trip thru the velour sweat suits before I found tops that somehow managed to defy the law of physics and make even the poor manikin look fat.  Which isn’t a good sign.  And that was the entire store if you don’t count ‘Children’s.’  Am I the only one that feels ‘Normal Women’s Apparel’ is grossly underrepresented at Macy’s?

Next I tried Gap, another big mistake.  Apparently Gap has reverted to selling the stuff American Eagle threw out in 1996, or a crazed flannel loving lumberjack has redone the entire place.  It’s frightening.

Am I that old?  (Seriously.  Do NOT answer that.)  Have I outgrown the Gap?  Or perhaps now that I’ve been exposed to retailers like Ann Taylor and Nordstrom’s it makes it really hard to plunk down $40.00 for a cotton top that looks like your Uncle Joe and his beer gut borrowed it for bowling after it’s first washing.  Or worse, you can spend more than 50 bucks for a Macy’s top, and the only place you’re able to wear it is out to your neighbor’s quinceanera.

And now I shall leave you with the image of my clothing montage.  An ode to hideous fashion trends:

I envision a gold sequin top matched with a velour skirt in purple, worn over black and white polka dot tights.  A traditional red and black flannel will drape the shoulders on chilly nights and a back up Santa sweater  (reindeer embroidering included)  is to be wrapped at the waist.  Low-top Chuck Taylors in purple can be used for day, and a black ankle boot cuffed in suede for evening.

Well I’ll be damned.  Add a dash of patchouli and I've just created the most perfect, New Age Hippie outfit.  Eat your heart out Isaac Mizrahi and break out the booze.  My shopping's done, my outfit's planned and I feel a little cheerful!